i've changed


A week survived. A week which started with a blissful day followed by one of the most strenuous working days in recent history. Upon that day a deep sense of disconnection set in within me once more and i started to wonder where I had gone so horribly wrong with all of the human bonds in my life. However, as Wednesday rolled around and the week unfurled, I discovered that there are still a string of people who care and actually find me interesting. And now, as Saturday has arrived, I feel like a king. I’m alone... a blissful alone. I sip a cup of coffee and listen to the rain tap against the window as I sit inside and enjoy the fact that I have no plans, nowhere I have to be, and no one asking me (or nagging me) to do things. I see the immense frustration of those who are in relationships and especially those with children who are disturbed by the rain because it means that they have to remain indoors with the family. There will come a time when I will be sick, or dying, alone and there will be no one there to speak to or to care... but that is something that will simply happen at some point and it is not something I will worry about now. My loss of dignity will belong to nurses alone.
                Of course, not a day passes by that I don’t ask myself what she is up to these days. Who does she see now? How does she pass her time? What amuses her? We once were so close and connected deeply on every level. Now she does not acknowledge my existence. And yet this is the bittersweet irony of life and is also the food for all creativity... the pain of longing is responsible for almost all music, art, film, and literature through the ages. All of my writing, including this, is inspired by it. It hurts not to hear from her but it feels good to spend my days drifting in thought and literary abandon. This keyboard, this screen, this chair and this (very uncomfortable) desk are the things that bring me the most pleasure.
                Later i will cycle into central Guildford to meet a friend for a drink or two.

Off for a jog.

I’ve changed.
                 

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