clinging to the wreckage

  The pool shimmers in the blinding brightness and causes hallucinatory reactions in the intense heat. I open the blinds and look down, but all I see is light… rippling rays of light. There are noises erupting from people down below, so I close the blinds and listen to Shattered Faith  by Bad Religion, it plays from the Marshall speaker in my bedroom, one of my greatest purchases. I have two of them, one in the living room, one in the bedroom; Marshall Acton III. In my bathroom I have a smaller one, a waterproof battery operated one that I use to listen to music whilst I am in the shower. I cannot live without music and literature. Reading about Rimbaud’s A Season in Hell made me think of Slayer and their Seasons in the Abyss . Now I listen to Slayer, but I was in the mood for South of Heaven , so that is the album I am playing. I love the way that the opening track, the title track, bleeds into the second track, Silent Scream . South of Heaven was one of the very first CDs ...

  A voice from Spain booms from my speaker. We exchange messages about life and relationships. For so many years we, as humans, live in the naivety and ignorance of youth and then, suddenly, time catches up and people around us start to disappear or die. So often, when this happens, we have left the relationship in a bad way, it ends in an open and unfinished silence. However, that is life. We enter with hopes, ambitions, and dreams… then we often just ride a wave and hope for the best. The ones we look at and consider to be the most successful, the most in control, are often the ones with tremendous secrets and unfathomable depths of pain.                     I walked to the office, grateful to be able to go and see people and share some discussions. A colleague told me about some of the work he was doing with airlines and payment systems, and it was fascinating. The Korean sisters running th...

  It’s really fascinating how people will post a video or story about ‘Europeans loving America’ during the world Cup. And they add a thumbnail of Donald Trump or add something about religion. Yes, Europeans love America when visiting, it is an incredible place. However, do not fool yourself, there is no love for Trump… and Europe has almost entirely moved on from religion. An even greater irony is these guys posting videos, including Trump thumbnail, of Europeans saying 'we are free here.' Do they not realise that Trump is trying to have comedians banned, fired, blocked, because they joke about him? Yes, Europeans, and others, love America, but the America they love is the one established by great systems and communities over decades, not the one that Trump aspires to and wants to create. America, without Trumpism, is great. I only wish Americans would travel to Europe and speak to locals in the countries they visit to understand how people really feel and think. And, if the s...

  The recurring theme of recent years (or is it a lifelong recurring theme?) is silence. The silence that comes when one messages a friend or lover from yesteryear and there is no response. There is no response for days, or weeks, or months, or eternity. They are simply gone. Disappeared into a vast vacuum of dark emptiness. And yet, I am happy alone, I am grateful for it. I feel as though I have made some immensely wise decision or found the true key to happiness. And small things fascinate me and bring me joy. For example; in the past, I have purchased second-hand books in which a previous owner has written their name, where they were, and the date in them. I have a copy of De Profundis , by Oscar Wilde, that I bought in England which is signed 1911. As a result, I have started to do the same… I write my name, date, and location inside a book when I buy one. Imagine, 100+ years from now someone finds a book that was marked by me, it may even have the bookmark still inside of it. ...

  The beauty of capturing moments of our lives in some form, whether it be writing, photos, paintings, drawings, or any other means, is astounding. I am currently reading an entry of mine from the 13 th of March 2016, I was visiting my parents at the time and received an email from my university to say that I had successfully completed my master’s degree. I had completely forgotten this, but reading the entry transported me back to that moment… running to tell my mother… her reaction… my father’s reaction. My mother is no longer with us, but it fills me with warmth to recall that I was able to share that moment with her.   Today my dad told me a story about my mother, which he pivoted to from talking about cars and his favourite colour being red… he said that my mum became enraged any time he said his favourite colour was red because, when he first met her, he had been chasing/dating a lady in their social circle who was famous for wearing a long red coat. My mother insisted ...

  Financially, I am doing okay now… but it has not always been this way. Yet, even more important than that is peace. I have peace now… and it has not always been this way. Life can be lonely, particularly a peaceful life, for peace is often found in the absence of people. I interact on a daily basis, but my evenings are spent alone and most of my weekends are spent alone, except for the few hours that I go out seeking air, company, sound, food, alcohol, and the sights of nature. When I can, I walk, cycle, use the bus or train, and keep things as simple as possible. The silence and the lack of response from people I have known around the world throughout the years still bothers me in different ways, but I no longer feel a desperation or a longing. If anything, I wonder if they hate me now or if they simply feel it is better not to revive or maintain old friendships. But I also wonder if they are sad or depressed or, even worse, imprisoned in some form of bad relationship. In most c...