states


I’m not asleep and I’m not awake. And as my love drifts from Oklahoma to California my mind drifts through states of consciousness. Reality and unreality combine to form a mess of collective chaos. It doesn’t seem to matter what time I enter this melancholy pit for I still awake at the same time… early and unrested. Occasionally I awake hopeful, hopeful that there may be something to read from someone. This hope is crushed as soon as I arise fully from the clouds of sleep and realise that everyone is engaged in their own lives. I’m happy for them. I am happy for my love in Los Angeles for I know that she must be excited and that there must be a reason. I picture her at this moment, sat in a Mexican restaurant, talking about recordings and songs and love and dreams and London and Paris and the strange men who give their hearts for no particular reason. I see one in Oklahoma who seems to believe that he is her boyfriend. Perhaps he even believes it. He writes things in public that seem foolish in their obvious attempt to convince strangers that there is something more. The temptation fills us all but there is no point in pretending we have something when we have nothing at all. There’s just this process of crumbling. Crumbling family, health, love, mind, body, work. Outside the sun seems severe today and through the sunrise birdsong stirs us closer to the harsh sharpness of an exhausted state of awake. And yet, in spite of this, it promises to be a good day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

San Diego & Las Vegas

Image
  The flight to San Diego was delayed, but only after we were in the plane. At first, there’d been a terminal change that I almost failed to notice, but I made it easily to the correct gate just as boarding was beginning. Upon boarding, I couldn’t get the arm to retreat into my bag, so I couldn’t get it into the overhead locker the way it was supposed to go. After much fuss and, finally, a guy somehow hitting it back in, we were told there was a delay due to a maintenance issue. After 45 minutes, the issue was resolved and the very same second of the announcement we had a lightning strike. The captain informed us that each lighting strike triggers a fifteen-minute wait period to ensure the sky is clear. In total, we sat on the runway for just over two and a half  hours before finally taking off. The morning had been one of joy, for I was on vacation and my ear infection had almost entirely disappeared. I could hear for the first time in seven days. I made breakfast and then a ...
Read more

winter

Image
  The winter wind howls outside. It explores the windows, looking for gaps and fragilities. The temperature drops and I find myself thinking of the stray cat who has become my friend. Where does he hide? Why will he not come inside? What has he been through? We spend a few moments together each day and I feed him. Then it is time for some human interaction… but, you see, most of them are not listening. Most of them don’t care at all. It’s seven weeks since my mother passed away, I miss her each and every day. For others, it seems to be forgotten history. And, I suppose, it is not reasonable for me to expect more than that. I remember the day that my grandmother, my mother’s mother, died. We made it just in time to her bedside. We’d driven from the south of England, where I lived, up to the north, to the town I was born in (the town all of my family had been born in). I walked into the ward first and saw a lady lying in a bed with nurses nearby. I asked the nurses where Winnie was a...
Read more

a bright sunny day in Spain (ten years ago)

Image
  He lay alone in the darkened room. The blinds were closed to the maximum in order to block out any potential light breaking through from the dazzling Spanish sun. It was the day after his birthday. He had spent the previous day with his girlfriend. But that now seemed an eternity away. Lifetimes had passed since then. It was a Tuesday morning and he simply did not know if it would be possible to get out of bed and go to work. Life seemed empty. Everything was lost to him except the deep throbbing pain reminding him that he was alive. To be alive like this… in this space of black desolation and despair… was it even to be alive? He had found something, something worthwhile and meaningful… something that brought light and hope, but it was now lost. It was inevitable. It seemed as if it was surely, at the very least, the end of his Spanish adventure.
Read more