i never said i was strong

Yesterday I handed my cats over for adoption. I did so in the utter belief and conviction that it was what was best for them. Little did I realise the heart-wrenching agony that was to follow. I left the protection league retching and sobbing. I came close to crashing my car a number of times and even started to wonder if crashing my car might be for the best… the only way to escape the intense pain and sorrow. Separation and divorce were minor trivialities in comparison to yesterday. And, today, to awake to this empty home where for the last eight years they greeted me each morning with a little sound and a hug and then played excitedly once I’d fed them before lazing and sleeping most of their day away, was sheer agony and emptiness. They were my companions. Unconditional was their love. No matter what, they were there beside me… loyal and true… and I gave them away. I feel like a guy who accidentally murdered his family. In fact, it is worse than murder. More like a guy who let his family starve and freeze out in the cold whilst they were being beaten and abused. I never said I was strong and I wonder how long it will be before they forget those sounds I made for them.

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