awake


I had been awake since 4 or before. It was Valentines day. I knew I had to end things with one, spend the day longing for others, and then wallow in isolation and solitude. I watched a TV show in which Lucifer, who was British, of course, left hell to take a vacation in Los Angeles. The idea is actually quite intriguing, the execution is less so. Sometimes I feel as if I am living this role. I used to be this sweet boy who always smiled and looked for innocent and long-lasting traditional love. Over the years I saw people having fun all around me whilst I suffered deeply and internally. It happened relatively late in life that my marriage ended and my eyes opened. I felt a deep sense of relief and of freedom. Expecting nothing and living in the moment I had relationships with people who were in relationships and then I moved to Madrid. Life began at 39. I became so happy that I was sometimes scared. For the first time I started to do what I had always seen others do… I started to live for myself and to focus on what made me happy. I simplified my life and focused on education, career, and travel. I started to make more money than I needed, I started loving work, I obtained a Master’s Degree, I travelled extensively, and started to meet a multitude of new people. Not to say that my heart wasn’t broken, it was, and this helped me to grow even more. Now my lover is from Shanghai and I live in the United States of America. When I lived in Madrid, I was dating a Bulgarian lady who went to a psychiatrist after we had broken up (not because of the break up, she was just feeling depressed and we had remained close friends) and the psychiatrist said to her ‘if you want to be happy, you have to be more selfish.’ I think that this can be taken out of context because, of course, one of the most beautiful things in life is helping others, it is the core of being human. However, from my own perspective, when I am single and free, I am able to focus on other people in the sense that I can help them financially or in terms of friendship or education or whatever it may be. When I am in a relationship, I often make myself miserable trying constantly to make my partner happy. To the extent that I lose a part of myself and, in the end, I usually get hurt. Happiness is to enjoy your life… yourself. Once you have found your life, once you are working hard to be an independent individual with unique and personal interests, it may be that you want to find someone to share and be a part of that life. But if you are looking for someone to ‘be your life’ or to ‘complete you’, you are never going to be happy.

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