trying

Tonight the loneliness creeps in like water making its way through a leaking roof. I connect to the online world to see what the outside world is doing and it seems they are all very busy, very happy, very entertained. As the rain beats against the window... the new window that they couldn’t fit the blind to... i wonder if the shining lights across the road indicate people looking at me as I sit on this chair hour after hour trying to find some form of meaning. Many Heinekens and many wines down I question the universe. I watched the next-door neighbours arrive home with their new-born baby today and all I felt was negative. Nothing positive. Nothing happy. I’m sorry, I am not like the rest of you, I struggle to understand the joy of having children. I struggle to understand why you all struggle to spend any time alone. I fear that I may crack and not be able to persist even in the format that I currently persist. Nervous anxiety is a close friend. I don’t understand the phone calls, inbound or outbound. I don’t understand the mail, I don’t understand why everyone is constantly trying so hard.

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