even eye

sometimes even i fear the things i write

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father

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  At 06:33 it was still dark. Completely dark… and it would remain so for some time. The words that echoed through his head were those of his mother saying that she was being punished for abandoning her parents. She had not abandoned her parents; she had left the UK with her own family in search of a better life. Decades later, her own children had left South Africa in search of a better life. She felt this was a punishment and guilt was administered in large doses. Her youngest son now lay in the all-consuming darkness and pondered this, a topic that had interested and troubled him his entire life. It seemed that so many people entered into stagnation because they were afraid to move away, afraid to break with tradition, afraid to seek their own path. At the same time, it struck him how many had suffered, were suffering, and would suffer as a result of their families moving away. Having no children, it was easy to claim that he would simply be happy for his own if they had moved t...
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walk away

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  One sentence to replace all happiness: I miss the connection we had before you disappeared. We woke up that one Saturday morning and you said, ‘I feel like getting drunk.’ I suggested that you have a beer while I make breakfast. So, in that bright early morning Madrid sunshine, we had breakfast and got drunk. We laughed and joked, listened to music, kissed, had sex, watched BBC’s Sherlock Holmes.  It’s the crazy moments that I remember. The trip to Casablanca, the trip to London, the cocktail afternoons in Madrid during which we’d take hilarious selfies of ourselves with some character in the background… we’d try to create an optical illusion to make it look like it was a tiny person sitting between and we were putting a finger on their head. In the end, you said you wanted to party, not be in love.  I respected your honesty, and watched you walk away.  
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11 years

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  Through the darkest days, or the best of times, she is on my mind. I met her eleven years ago in Madrid… the French goddess. In eleven years, I have had other relationships, I have felt love, but she has always been there in my heart and in my mind. I have always considered her to be the one (for me). But she was engaged then, with one child, and she is married now, with two children. Her style and grace are timeless. Her elegance, I feel, is unappreciated. But perhaps that is just me imagining things. When I met her in 2013, she had been with her boyfriend for 10 years. It is now 2024, so she has been with him for 21 years. It is almost unimaginable. Each night, before I go to sleep, I think about her and often imagine that she is there beside me… or that she knocks on my door and asks if she can join me. Most mornings I wake up and imagine that she is beside me. I want to reach out and say hello and tell her that I love her. We briefly spoke last weekend, and she recommended a ...
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