the first day of the year

 The first day of the year was inevitably littered with a hangover. Nevertheless, at midday, after a walk around the lake in the freezing air, I went out to have lunch with a couple of ice-cold beers at a Mexican restaurant. I went home and lay on the couch to read and watch some English football, but the feelings of despair started to arrive as I did so. A friend of mine had asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and, after initially saying that I wasn’t sure due to my hangover, I agreed to meet her. It helped to spend time with someone who has had more than their fair share of tragedies and sorrows, and it was fascinating to listen to her talk about some of her dark moments. Fascinating and sad. It made me wonder how many people out there are in that dark place… suffering due to loss or, in many cases, something even worse than loss such as being in an abusive and hateful relationship in which one feels like a prisoner living in terror and fear and hopelessness.

During the pandemic, I had developed a fondness for YouTube. I watched music videos on an endless loop, but I also used it as a source of information and news… news that often gave me hope of an end to the pandemic. However, last night, hoping to escape the sadness of my thoughts, I launched YouTube on my Apple TV to see videos declaring absolute truths such as ‘some manager has officially been fired by some sports team’ or some event has occurred in some country or company. I went to the official sites of these teams, companies, etc, and discovered that none of these videos were even remotely close to being facts. It made me feel one hundred times more depressed. This is what so many of us have become… blatant liars seeking profit or popularity by proclaiming speculative headlines. It’s not endearing on any level. It’s not even ethical.

In spite of this, I do still believe in the good of most people and I do still look forward to many things. In April I will attend the Punk in Drublic festival in Fort Worth, Texas, and I will see Bad Religion live in Dallas, too. I will also inevitably travel. I am hoping to visit Madrid for an extended period. I hope for a decent year as I work steadily towards daily improvement and longer term goals.


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