age gap

 ‘How old are you?’ she asked. 

‘45’ I answered. 

I could see the sudden flash of shock on her face. 

‘How old are you?’ I returned the question.

‘I am 31. I thought you were 38.’

I didn’t tell her that I thought she was 35 or 36. It was a few days after this exchange that she told me I was not the one. It was the first time I truly understood that I was too old for the person I was seeing. In terms of relationships, I had gone from six years older, to eleven years older, to thirteen years older and now I was fourteen years older. At this point, I realised that the previous relationship, with a gap of thirteen years, had also most likely ended due to age. That girlfriend had told me that she simply wanted to travel, go to parties, have fun, be free… and two months later she was with a younger guy with whom she now has two children. 

                  Today it is all just a process of learning and experience. I am pleased to no longer be with any of them because it would be vastly changed now and none of these relationships would be right for either person. The girlfriend who told me she wanted to be free to travel and have fun taught me a lot, however. In fact, when she told me that, I felt a great sense of admiration for her and I really believed that she had found the key, the truth, the path, and was brave enough and strong enough to be honest about it and to follow it. Thus, it was somewhat disappointing when she was in a serious relationship two months later. Nevertheless, her words threaded neatly into the worldview I’d been forming based on years of reading and personal discovery. This was the understanding that so much pain and restriction stems from the tie that exists in a relationship when a great opportunity arises for one partner. The opportunity to travel for a great life opportunity, for example, that means either breaking the other’s heart or dragging them along with you which results in resentment and further limitation. The inability to simply grasp a new life fully and make the most of it. 

                  In the book I am currently reading, a couple is engaged but the guy has to travel to his hometown to take care of his sick father. Whilst doing so, he starts to help his father run the family business and realises that he needs to resign from his job in the city where he lives to spend time back in his hometown. He wants to marry his fiancée and take her with him to his hometown but he also knows that she will be upset about him resigning from his job and wanting her to move away from her own family. So, ultimately, one of them will have to make a great sacrifice and neither can both be fully happy. At the same time, the guy’s family starts to judge the woman’s family background which, inevitably, leads to disaster, heartbreak and pain. 


Japanese Exhibition, ICA, Boston, 2018

                  

 

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