clinging to the wreckage

Tonight the loneliness creeps in like water making its way through a leaking roof. I connect to the online world to see what the outside world is doing and it seems they are all very busy, very happy, very entertained. As the rain beats against the window... the new window that they couldn’t fit the blind to... i wonder if the shining lights across the road indicate people looking at me as I sit on this chair hour after hour trying to find some form of meaning. Many Heinekens and many wines down I question the universe. I watched the next-door neighbours arrive home with their new-born baby today and all I felt was negative. Nothing positive. Nothing happy. I’m sorry, I am not like the rest of you, I struggle to understand the joy of having children. I struggle to understand why you all struggle to spend any time alone. I fear that I may crack and not be able to persist even in the format that I currently persist. Nervous anxiety is a close friend. I don’t understand the phone calls,

Does anyone ever stop to ask themselves why they want children? Is it just a natural process of growing up to the thought of ‘I want children’? If so, why? I’m not attacking people who have or want children, I simply ask if they think about it first and understand their own reasons for wanting children. Is it to contribute to their own lives? To contribute to society and planet earth? Or to give a few cells and eggs the opportunity to join the masses and spend their life attempting to compete for success? Are any of these positives? So often we simply accept and subscribe to the dogma passed on to us as we develop. It’s not always bad, I just believe that we should question everything and only do things if we see them as beneficial to someone or something. Not just ‘Oh, I believe in god because... well... he made us.’ Or ‘I want children because my parents want grandchildren and it is what everyone has always done.’

They look into my eyes and they see darkness. They attempt to joke but I cannot respond. They try to convince me that the changes they are making are to benefit me... but I know the changes are to benefit themselves. The ultimate goal is to increase commercial value. To increase revenue. To increase profit. It doesn’t matter if it is your car, your home, your job or your government; it is always profit over people. Good cop bad cop... the thing is, even a good cop looks bad to me. People will ask about another person but in most cases they don’t care, it is just social conduct. There are two groups; the rich and the poor. The rich take what they want and need and the poor fight for the scraps left over, fucking each other and fucking each other over along the way. If someone cares, it is because they want to punish you, to catch you, to discipline you. The only people who truly care are your parents (if you are lucky). Don’t trust anyone else. Everyone else wants to judge or punis

When one is suicidal it becomes impossible to fear the petty threats of things such as a manager being angry that you are late for work. If I am late for work once a week, deal with it. Life goes on... even if I am ten minutes late. It’s always been the same. In school in the southern hemisphere we were told to fear god, to fear religion, to fear the moral majority (those who feel they are morally superior – and superior in all other ways too – to the rest of humanity.) I reject any attempt to establish control through fear. I recall going into school and classmates would say ‘did you bring your form in?’ (for example) and I would say ‘what form?’ and they would say ‘the form that we had to get filled in and bring in today... you are going to be in so much trouble... it is really serious and today is the last day that you can bring it in.’ My mind, against my will, completely involuntarily, would utter ‘fuck them, what are they going to do? Not only do I not have my form, I don’t ev

Awaking just after 5am, thinking about putting plans into action, is not a great way to start the week. The plans are those of getting my cats out of the house so that the windows can be replaced. They are to spend the day at my neighbour’s. Tomorrow will be a repeat. It is a total nightmare. Getting cats out of the house is worse than trying to get children ready and out of the house (I've lived briefly with people who have had to do this). Children just cry and require care. Cats physically refuse to move from wherever they are. It takes great strategy to coordinate a move of these feline freaks of the animal world.  Of course, once I succeeded, unleashing them into their temporary and unfamiliar surroundings resulted in them instantly darting for the darkest corner and burying their heads into the first hole they could find.   It is heart breaking to see these innocent creatures in such distress because, of course, they are unable to understand the reasons for this imprisonme