clinging to the wreckage

  Flying on the 25 th anniversary of 9/11 felt like an honour. As I thought of what those people went through 25 years ago, I felt grateful to be able to fly a smooth flight in safety… and even had the pleasure of having one of my neighbours on board as the lead flight attendant. As a dual British American Citizen, I feel proud to represent those two countries in spite of the dark clouds that have troubled both in recent decades. Being in San Diego was special for this moment, too, because I feel some unknown connection to the place, the harbour, the Naval Base, and it made me feel emotional for no reason whatsoever to see so many US Marines board the plane alongside me to Dallas. As a British Punk Rocker, it even surprises me to write these words… but it is true. Perhaps it is just from some book or film that struck me at a certain time in history that caused this resonance. Some people would say ‘incarnation.’ Yet, in this I simply cannot believe. Most people seemed completely o...

Wednesday the 9 th of September was the greatest of days… even though it ended badly. It was the day after my birthday, usually a day that tends to be insignificant, dull, dark and depressive. However, being in San Diego, it was my second full day of the trip and, even though I had not slept well at all, I decided to take a bus to Ocean Beach. I usually take the train to old town and then a bus from there but this time I discovered the 923 bus that goes directly from the front of my hotel on North Harbour Drive to Ocean Beach. When I arrived in Ocean Beach it was around 10am, so I walked directly to the beach and sat in the shade of the lifeguard’s station and read. I recorded a reading of 99 Degrees by Charles Bukowski for my YouTube channel and then I read To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf.                     Around 11:30, the shade was disappearing and the heat was rising, so I decided to ...

  The last night in San Diego has arrived… and the day started really badly due to a terrible hangover, the worst I have had in years, and regrets from the night before. I lay in bed and watched European soccer, Man Utd v Sabah, then finally ventured out. I had originally intended to go to a British pub called The Shakespeare but missed it due to my hangover. Therefore, once feeling better, I decided to head there on the train. When I got out at the station, there were people fighting and the area was very industrial. To get to the pub I had to cross an extremely busy road that as under construction, under a highway. I decided to turn around and walk back to the train. Craving British food, I took a few stops back and went to little Italy to the Prince’s Pub. It was disappointing.                     I walked back to my hotel and then, after a rest, took an Uber to the Gas Lamp Quarter and vis...

  99 Degrees, a poem by Charles Bukowski

 

  At the airport with a hangover. Even breakfast was a disaster… I ate too soon and, hoping to get rid of my mushrooms and eggs, I made an omelette. I still feel sick and full. The flight is delayed due to a technical issue, but we finally make it. When we land, the gate is occupied by another plane. Eventually, we are directed to another gate, but they do not yet have staff ready. In the end, I make it to the bus and get back to my hotel, check in, and find my way to the ‘best of the bay’ harbour cruise. I booked the wrong one but it turns out to be a decent mistake because the cruise is a really enjoyable one. It just means that my traditional trip was somewhat blemished. After the cruise, I was even more delighted to discover that my favourite sunset bar across from the hotel is not closed as Google Maps suggested but has just changed its name. It still exists with the same great beers, cocktails, and staff.             ...

  As they fade away, time passes, people are gone. Relationships simply fade to a dim glow and then die. No one knows why. It could be one thing said, one belief, one action… it makes us see something in another that we find distasteful, or we simply no longer feel an urge to chase and fight for the connection. I know that I have upset more than one person by expressing my desire to remain single and to not have children. In the same way, I find it tedious to see every single person getting engaged, then getting married, then having children. Here we go again, just by writing these words I am causing more relationships to die. I have travelled so much, I have listened to so much alternative music, I have read so many books, I have had so many unusual relationships, I have lived so far from family for most of my life… nothing about it has been conventional and, as a result, I struggle to relate conventional lifestyles.            ...

  As a lifelong punk rocker, people assume that I have no awareness of the bible or its teachings, that I don’t know about Jesus Christ. I am an atheist, yes, but I do believe that Jesus existed. He was a human being. And I believe that he was one of the most progressive revolutionaries to ever exist. His compassion and forgiveness resulted in him being put to death because people simply could not understand him. It has been the same for two thousand years, any progressive with a different ideology is marginalised and punished. As for the bible, I studied it as a part of my literary studies, as a work of fiction. However, to be brutally honest, I preferred to focus on serious and artistic literature, not that of made-up fables to try to convince mankind that death is not so bad or that there was a virgin birth, presumably to hide the reality of what happened.                     That said, I a...

  People promote mental health awareness, and that is good and it is essential. Those people who promote it suggest that we speak up and reach out with issues without shame. Those same people ghost anyone who they don’t find attractive or useful in their daily life. Of course, I am old now, I have seen most patterns 1000 times or more… those who feel they need help are quick to promote that others reach out for help… and even quicker to ignore anyone reaching out because the only mental health problem is, of course, their own.                     Nine years ago, today, I was on the stage in Vigo, Galicia, Spain, singing for The Handicaps in a celebration of Vigo and the club Celta De Vigo at an event called Palmer Fest. We headlined, but it was late, the club was loud, and I had lost my voice. It almost felt like a chore getting through the show, it was punishment. Once it was over, we flooded...

 As a child, even when things went badly wrong, I always felt that, with my family together, we could make it through. My mother was great with numbers and finances, and my dad could fix anything that he put his hands on. Both of them were disciplined and determined. They seemed to find jobs relatively quickly if we moved, and then always had a plan. They saved and sacrificed and helped my brother and I in all aspects of life, whether it was helping us to get to school (although we usually walked or cycled), dealing with the stress of homework and projects, getting to sporting events, or ensuring we had the equipment we needed. The more I read about the lives of others, the more I discover how fortunate I was. We were never rich by any means, we never had fancy things, but we always had food, clothes, and a lot of fun times at home watching movies or playing soccer or cricket in the garden, or swimming (we were very fortunate to have a pool).  Looking around today, I feel he...

  For those who think that the renaming of a lake is some form of victory over a country or a modern people, it demonstrates a true lack of culture, a lack of education, a lack of history knowledge, and a lack of compassion in general. Not only has Lake Ontario been known as that since at least 1639, before Canada or the USA existed, its name is derived from the Iroquoian word Kaniatarí:io or Oniatarí:io meaning "lake of shining waters" or "beautiful lake". The story of Lake Ontario is, at its core, a story about language, land, and continuity. The lake’s name is one of the oldest recorded Indigenous place‑names in North America, named by the Wendat people, and it comes from the Iroquoian linguistic world in which the Wendat lived, a world that long predates both Canada and the United States.   Also, bear in mind that, although the President signed an executive order to change the name in America, a petty act designed to bring about irritation, this order is not...

  Monday morning moves in and, after a sparky flourish, the day settles into one of calm reflection. Sleep was mostly elusive and the night awake was spent listening to, and trying to make sense of, noises that seemed to stem from the apartment below. It’s difficult to describe the sound, something like that of a drawer being opened and closed every few seconds. At other times, it is like a hard ball being rolled up against a wall, as if a cat is playing, but it doesn’t last long enough to be this. Thoughts drift to 7am meetings which ultimately get cancelled. By the time they are cancelled, I have already woken early, showered, and started to work in anticipation.                   The day drifts on and I am a waste of space. Slow, and struggling to concentrate due to the lack of sleep, but also because I am excited about the trip to San Diego next week and, for the first time in months, a change ...

  None of us become famous while we are alive… very few of us become famous after we die. It matters not, just continue to do what you love, even if you can only do it in your spare time. Continue to write, continue to paint, continue to take photos… travel when you can, slow down and see everything aro und you.                     I went to the bar and we all shared songs on the jukebox, had a chat, laughed, and genuinely enjoyed the day. Yes, we are appalled by the renaming of a lake, but we understand that is just a weak leader trying to make a ripple in the water as he slowly drowns. What amazes us is how there are still people who even want that side to win the midterms, or any election, why? What is being offered? Is there anything being said or done or promised that will help the people of America? Is there any policy being promoted to try to win an election? There is nothing There is j...

  It suddenly strikes me… like a slap across the face. Normal reasoning fails because his supporters don’t care about forests, animals, climate, the homeless, the hungry, the poor… they only care about getting rich, and everyone else is lazy… or it is a hoax. Sadly, it’s a worldwide phenomenon. Most people only care about money and looking good. I strive to build wealth, too, and I am actively and aggressively doing so… but that does not mean that I do not contribute to help those in need. People are displaced by war, left unable to work by injury or illness, or simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and it is not ‘laziness’ that means they cannot afford food or even a home. We currently live in a society that treats its members like criminals whilst the real criminals are left to rule as they wish.                   And so a weekend that I was looking forward to starts badly. It begins with t...

  Even on days when you think there is nothing more that can be said or done to drive up your blood pressure, you hear talk of renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America and threats to demolish the JFK Center. Absolute childish nonsense that must be created to annoy people and nothing else because it simply brings no value to anyone anywhere. And, even if you renamed a lake that is half in Canada and half in the USA… why on earth would you choose such an uncreative and unimaginative name as ‘Lake America’? I am honestly stupefied. In ordinary times it would be considered digging one’s own political grave, but when every crime seems to be forgiven and attempts to block legitimate voters and voting methods appear to be encouraged, we have a desperate fight on our hands. It troubles me daily to think where we could have been now under Kamala Harris. We were heading towards such improved global relationships and trade along with progressive thought and support at home… but it’s all been bro...

  A blood red sun rises over the lake as the earth once more starts to shake in fear of the heat that will bake into it again, relentlessly for the innumerable day in a row. The scorched ground is cracked in desert fashion, all is parched. The only thing more parched than the soil is my love life… but that is a story for another day. It’s calm and pleasant in the office, there is some humour and companionship. However, having arrived at 06:30, I left at midday and walked home to work for a couple of hours in peace and quiet. I logged a ticket to ask maintenance not to remove the cat’s bowls… then discovered they had not removed them.                     An eerie sense of positivity has crept in. Actually, that is more dramatic than it sounds, since turning 40, almost thirteen years ago, I have been mostly positive throughout that time. This is simply the result of learning to simplify my life ...

 The acronym becomes a synonym for ‘I am important and know what I am doing.’ How many times is it the case that we simply don’t know what we are doing? It is often. This is why a team is essential. A leader’s job is not to try to guide everything in the direction that they want, it is to listen to their team and then to support and help in any way possible to progress in the direction that the team has chosen based on the input of various experts. When someone pays no heed to their team of experts, and beyond, you can rest assured that there is a power hungry, secretive, leader at the helm… and it never leads to any good. This is my thought for the day.  It seems that the summit of the mountain of heat has been reached and now we slowly begin to descend into Autumn and winter. Of course, temperatures in Texas are not like those in other places. A heat warning in San Diego for 31 degrees Celsius seems somewhat humorous when considering that the same temperature is the low in...

He hates the mail in ballot as much as any baby boomer hates remote work, the death of the fax machine, the cloud, LGBTQ+, anything remotely progressive. He, like most late Gen X and Baby Boomers, can’t understand these things because he simply lacks the ability to see life from the perspective of anyone else. Like all narcissists. If remote work does not work for them (because they can’t act like a dominant boss in front of their family) then remote work doesn’t work for anyone. If cloud technologies mean that their local team don’t have to be on 24/7 stand by, then it means life may become better for people and that upsets them because they ‘had to suffer’ when they were younger and therefore want everyone else to suffer for the rest of time. He is a weak and pathetic man with many weak and pathetic supporters. Dominance, control, hierarchy, that is what they crave. Control is their main desire… they want to control because they feel they are superior in every way and, therefore, the...

  Stepping outside for a moment, hoping for a quiet view of downtown Dallas… there is a person standing on the roof, looking down at me, a car darts past me on its way down, then another car… but there is a car coming in, too. Oh, the entering car sees the space close to the door is open and immediately turns to dive into it. Headlights in my face, I simply give up and close the door. 9pm Sunday night, car park Armageddon. I have never seen a car park so active in all of my life. It is the 5 th floor of the building, it takes 10 minutes to get up here, but I have never been outside when there is not a car coming in or going out. I go back inside, lie down on my bed, start sending some text messages, but nobody replies… perhaps they are driving in and out of a car park somewhere, too.                     Monday midday in the pool with a book. It’s the kind of break that you can’t take when you...

  A jog, a swim, a trip to the supermarket… sushi and mimosas for brunch. Soccer is a disaster, but the day is beautiful, the solitude is beautiful. The lady at the super market prepared fresh sushi for me and it was incredible. In an hour or so I will walk to the Ginger Man Pub for a beer or two and to see my neighbours before returning home to laze the afternoon away and attempt to avoid existential dread and despair. It is easier to fight that off when the night is peaceful and calm.                     I set myself the goal of writing and publishing every day, and I have done so for two months or so now… but there are days like today that I think I may not make it haha. I also fear the pain and boredom that people may feel when they read these entries. They serve as a ‘poetic’ nod to posterity. You see, The Ginger Man turned out to be quite social and a great discussion about music, litera...